KCDA的小天地

Through last night’s Grief Share, I learned that someone’s negligence or cruelty will cause me to be stuck with anger, and resentment. If I hold on to that hurt, it will burden my relationship with God. But no one should be in the way. If I received unreserved forgiveness from God, then I should extend the same to others. Forgiveness will lead to healing.

This topic reminds me of…

• My previous team leader made me feel incompetent. He spoiled those nationals and thought he is right. He got in the way as I’m trying to live my dream in India.
• His coach made me feel incompetent. He sided with my previous team leader and blamed me instead of the dysfunctional structure of the team.
• Local nationals made me feel hard to please, taken for granted, back stabbed, betrayed, and rejected. They got in the way as I’m trying to live my dream in India.
• Colleague who tried to fixed me with good intention.

It’s been 4 ½ years since I left the mission field. I still feel angry, bitter, and resentful. Although I have forgiven them in the past (in my head), I don’t think I have truly forgiven them in my heart. I feel they still owe me apologies.

One colleague apologized a year ago. Another colleague apologized 8 months ago. The organizational structure had changed as well. I felt someone finally understood what I had gone through. And they felt sorry for what they had done to me.

How do I forgive others who haven’t and will never say sorry?

• I should take charge of my feelings: I determine how I feel. I can decide to feel good by losing the victim story. Or I can decide to feel resentful become insane.
• I should be thankful for all of life’s difficult lessons. The enemy is a very good teacher. When I see my life’s experiences through a different lens, my life’s lessons are learned quickly.
• I should ask myself: Would I rather forgive or feel like sh*t? If I don’t forgive, my only other option is not to. Hating on someone hasn’t made me feel good. Failing to forgive uses up my energy subconsciously and makes me feel mad, powerless, even a little crazy.

I like what one person at Grief Share said, “Forgiveness is like accounting. The person is either in debt or not. Forgiveness is a choice based on what God has done for me in Christ (Matt 18). My debt to God is huge compared to what others owe me. He has forgiven me!”

Dear God, I can’t do this on my own. Forgiveness seems impossible, but I want to do it. Thank you for forgiving my sins. I want to extend your unreserved forgiveness to those who had hurt me.